IDK. Forreal.

Let me paint you a pointless picture of true strength and of full confidence in Jesus Christ.

Let me first be honest and say, it looks and awful lot like me. Or I wish and hope it did. But it doesn’t, it really doesn’t look anything like me at all.

I wanna be strong Jesus, I wanna be strong just like you. I’m gonna do it by myself. Im gonna save this whole world like I can and because I want to.

And you know what, for a while, I do so well. I do so flipping good at it, that for a while, I genuinely think I’m winning this bloody battle of strength. It’s me and God, one on one in a fight to the death and he keeps killing me. Softly, with his words, I die a little bit more inside. Just to become like him.

And I hate it! God I hate it. And sometimes I hate you too Jesus, because I want the power, I want the control. I want to win all by myself, I don’t want you, and I don’t need you. But I always make those statements through tear stained eyes, when my cheeks looky a little rosier than usual. But then again I’m a black boy (or brown whatever) so I guess my cheeks are still the same colour but you know what I mean don’t you…yeah you reading this, you know what this feels like don’t you? Or maybe you don’t…I think it’s called submission, and I hate it.

I don’t want to answer to no one but God just keeps forcing me to do it, and it’s not even a battle man, because he could whoop my entire arse (or behind, sorry english grannies, I know that’s a bit foul-mouthed…or foil mountain for auto correct haha.)

But whatever, sorry tangent, I do that. I Aplogise. But you know what I mean. He could whip me about like no man’s business if he wanted too, but he annoyingly does what’s worse, he loves me into submission. Like he knows what’s best for me, and clearly he doesn’t because I’d have everything and everyone I ever wanted. Well that’s a clear sign of my bratty-ness and immaturity but Im not reallt ashamed or scared to admit it. Im a spoilt brat sometimes and I need a little telling off and re-straightening every now and then. Now more than usual. But that’s knowledge for anyone to take advantage of, but knowing humans beings and my honesty, they will. Ugh.

I’m just mad that you love me enough to care. And  why should I trust you Jesus. And it’s all my favourite verse in reply. It’s a Jeremiah 29:11 kinda life.

He’s got it, and I can’t complain. I’m just mad he never told about it. Jesus, you get on my nerves, but damnit man, I love you man, and without you, where else would I go.

I’m sorry this post, wasn’t what you wanted or needed to be, but I hope somehow my failures will help you or inspire you someday.

God is love, Kwesi D


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