This is my success story.
Or I wish it was. I wish the post would be somewhat awe inspiring, but really, somewhere inside of me I feel it’s quite pathetic. Honestly I want to be able to sit here and write this out like I’m about to Martin Luther King Jr your life up but to be honest and frank with you, this blog post might just be depressing. I think it’s about time I told the truth. So let’s give it some context.
No matter when you’re reading this, the time of this posts’ conception (if that punctuation is even correct – apostrophe after S? Who knows, who cares) is on Thursday 18th February 2016. It is early in the morning, around 9 O’clock and I’m catching the sun rays through my bedroom window. I guess you could say I’m on a sunbed heh… since I’m on my bed…catching the sun…ee..ha. alright calm I’ll leave it anyway…
I have an assignment that was due last week………….
Good question!! I’m one step ahead of you actually. I DON’T KNOW WHY IM NOT DOING IT. My dissertation is due in under 3 months, ask me how many words I have written… 400…if even that.
It’s getting ridiculous. The truth is this situation is dire. It’s in grave distress, like super defcon 5. This is a meltdown. Every part of me wants to blame an emotional instability or lack of motivation or maybe ‘God is taking me through a testing period’. But do you know what the reality of the situation is? With two assignments going to be capped at 0 most likely, for the first time ever in my university career, the truth is I don’t care anymore.
I can’t complain about my bad grades and my lack of commitment and focus to my studies, because I’ve already given up. The likelihood is I’ll fail this year and either have to ‘repeat myself’ (wrong word but sounds cool. Is that a double entendre?) Or I’ll go into this job I am applying for and just start working my butt off for the rest of my life until my pension days come around.
Anyone who knows me, may or most likely wil, read that and be shocked. I’m sure the thoughts will reverberate through their minds like: “Kwesi! This is crazy man, I can’t believe you’re doing this or saying this. This is not you Kwess, you’ve changed, you’re not yourself.” To an extent, you are right, I have changed. For the better and for the worse in some cases. I’m ironing out somethings and laziness is one of them. But this feels like laziness. Again, exscuse my french, BUT I gave up already. I’ve given up trying to do something I have already been defeated on. It’s not my responsibility anymore, it’s God.
Ooooo as I wrote that myself I felt the whispers of immaturity, lack of responsibility, accountability and the words ‘incredibly average’ bounce around in my skull…
I think the truth is, I’m bored, I’m frustrated and I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed that I wasn’t blessed with academic prowess. I’m upset and annoyed that I’ve given up so easily it’s just: – Insert exscuse – I can’t find one. But listen to this lie I bought the other day: “I’m just not good enough anymore.” That’s how university has made me feel. Dissapointed in myself, in the education system for not recognising my talents elsewhere, for making me out to be some dumb, idiotic centipede who just mulls through life as a 1st, 2:1, 2:2 or heaven forbid it, a 3rd student. I’m tired of trying and I think that’s the truth of this matter here, I set myself a target and a goal, I remember the first time I lost my first ever football match at afterschool club at my primary school in Chelsea. (Rep my ends haha…no violence please.) I Remember losing and crying my eyes out and not feeling good enough then. And when I got saved by the power of Jesus Christ at 17 years old, a good 13 or 12 years later, battling through self doubt, depression, fear and feeling lost and unworthy, through countless set backs and let downs from friends, family and my football team manager called Dan Beaman who for some reason didn’t even recognise I could kick a ball…NO BRACKETS…I WAS LIONEL KWESSI. (Google Lionel Messi for incredible football reference) Everything, everything alluded to this moment right now. That feeling again, of being a complete failure. It hurts, it’s ok, BUT IT HURTS. I don’t like failing. So when I got the opportunity to apply for university, fresh off my salvation with God and feeling born again in a new mind I said: ” Yeah!!! Let’s do it!! De Montfort University, here I come! I’m gonna get a 1st and take over the world.”
Along the way I didn’t think it would be so difficult but worse than that is I actually mentally was getting 1sts but physically, in my first year a 2:2 and second year 2:1 which was an improvement but I handed in an assignment late that got capped. And now in my final year, I’m averaging a cool 3rd class honours – wheyyyy lol madting – that’s if I even pass. And believe me I’ve been one with the Lord this year. Me and Jesus have got this relationship cracking! we’re walking hand in hand and seeing people get saved, and lives change. I have a friend who will probably read this, who inspires me so greatly because she came to University an atheist claiming “I don’t do church.” And now regularly attends both 9.30am and 11.30am services, every single week. So we’re working! Faith has trumped religious fundementalism and success is being had in all areas except my education. ‘So it’s with great regret (Sir Alan Sugar impression) that I have decided to inform you of my greatest and possibly most important decision.
I DECIDED TO QUIT EDUCATION.
I want to live man. And this is not living. This is boring and mundane and I’m not learning anything anymore. I want to make gaming videos on YouTube and become a famous and rich YouTuber like KSI or Chrissmoove. I want the money, cars and the clothes like drake. I don’t want to be anything special I just want to live, freely.
Does that sound oddly childish? It’s because it is, but it’a not wrong. I’m not lying, I quit caring about my education, saying those things at the age of 15. I quit caring about ‘deaducation’ because I realised I wasn’t being educated much at all, and what I was learning was either through life experiences, my own time taken to manifest skills in photoshop for example or in my walk from out of religion and into faith. It’s hard, but I haven’t quit University now that I’m here, I quit a long time ago, long before I started. Who would ever dream of quitting Uni in their third and final year but this is how I know something in me is broken. All the motivation I receive from others, isn’t working anymore like it used to. I Guess God, I’m finally being honest with you too. I don’t care. These grades have not served me well, and I, not them either. Everytime someone tells me: “You just have a couple months left now!!” I just think back to my last days in 6th form, banging out that BTEC Business and BTEC Health & Social Care work (Don’t ask…no real talk, don’t ask, I don’t know how I ended up there, I just knew it was a class full of girls and boring PowerPoint slides) and thinking to myself, ‘just a couple months away’ and ‘I can do this’, and I did it. But I failed, I failed miserably, I got two D’s I believe in my A Level or C D D Across the board in all my subjects. What a waste of my time but it taught me about discipline. Not discipline to knuckle down and get this 1st type discipline, but the discipline needed for determination to rule. I just about got into University that same year and I had failed even though I knuckled down in the final months, so when I hear that line…I don’t think of the time left and get motivated, I just agree lazily and say: “Yeah I know, just need to get onto these assignments man.”
If they only knew how depressing this course has made me feel. The only hope I have is in the personal portfolio I have built/been building up of myself in, around and outside of university. I have a secure Internship with my church if I would like. I have a chance to go train with a radio station and become a radio presenter in London if I wish or I could continue to work my part time Job and look for something else while I wait in the meantime. I’ve got options.
The thing is though, this is the truth, I quit university a long time ago, it was a decision I made before I started and I’m sure I’m living out the consequences of that lack of motivation to continue now. I’m doing this for everyone else around me, I’m doing it for God (Even though the attempt is shabby, in some cases though, to be fair to myself.) And I’m doing it for my parents, but none of this is for me.
But what I do like, and I have noticed quite quickly is, while I’m willing to give up on my dream of a 1st at University and just pushing through to pass, one thing i’m not willing to pass on, is this opportunity I have been given in life. Which is to live, and to be alive. I’m making choices and decisions with and in God that are slowly affecting the world around me and it’s starting to get really weird and crazy and fastly incredible. I can say I genuinely love him so much for rescuing me from the depths of failure and despair then, and making me a success now, because even as I tell this story, someone is laughing, someone is crying, someone is angry and someone is in pain but you know what i know, this might be therapy for them. Knowing I’ll complete this leg of the journey means you can too because I’ve been all of those things. All separately and all at once this year and I’m sure again in the future. But I’m not willing to give up on one thing.
Because while i’m failing now, I’m not willing to quit life. It’s been hard, please understand a lot of my humour and clarity of mind has been birthed from of a place of intense pain, distress and frustration, but that will never be enough to make me tap out. Because all the while, as I don’t get good grades, I’ve manage to make it. I’ve become an A* star student in life, and they don’t give up. So I’m going to keep pushing, even when I hear in my head: “It’s all over!!!!!” I will laugh and smile and just reply silently: “No, it’s only just begun.”
Because to me, that’s a true education. One that doesn’t end after a few years and a piece of paper with a grade and numbers on it, but one that continues on through life with you at each corner, stone, rock and pebble even the boulders you face, it faces you again, smiles and rewards you for the hard work you have put in/been putting in to become better. But it’s more than that with God too since I know I am made perfect in his sight and image “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10
So here’s my garuntee that I may fail all of man’s made up tests, but I was already predestined to succeed and do good, great and beyond that, wonderful things, that he already designed for me to do.
A grade could never distance me from his overwhelming sense of peace and love, even when I am failing, whether in life or in ‘deaducation’.
Even as I lose or fail, I win.
Just a sidenote, to say Thank you to Jesus Christ my Lord and saviour for helping me read and write this post even with all the spelling errors i will find over the coming days, he has inspired this himself. His offer of life has blessed me so he says, the same offer is applicable to you too:
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16
God is love, Kwesi D