Nervousness is stupid… but unwaveringly reliable.

So, I haven’t blogged in a while and let’s just say I was looking for inspiration. Luckily for me, WordPress, does that for me. So the question is:

“Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?”

That led me to thinking long and hard about a topic that I could barely remember. That is also a lie. I still couldn’t think of anything, and then it hit me, like pouring milk into a bowl of cereal but not realising it’s off; it hurts doesn’t haha.

Following on from that train of thought, honestly that makes me think about all the times I have had belly cramping nervousness and, honestly speaking the only time that has really happened to me is when I feel a pending rejection.

If you know me well, or don’t know me well I guess, either way, you may or may not know (quite confusing I know) that I am not really afraid of much. I fear very little besides things that move quicker than my eyes do, and rejection. Rejection for me is definitely one the things I hate the most. I can’t stand rejection for reasons that may surprise you.

I am a perfectionist. I know this because I don’t like getting things wrong. In school, teachers would always remind us that putting our hand up to answer a question whether you got it right or wrong, is the best way to learn. Yeah. NOT for me. I never put my hand up, ever if I could avoid it. Not because I wasn’t listening, but just because I don’t like anyone to see me do things wrong. I have issues. Who doesn’t but being a perfectionist in one way or another stems from the fear or failure, rather than the fear of being incorrect. This is also true, because being shown a new formula that betters me and allows me to be more proficient and or efficient is something that excites me.

Now, just like an English exam, let me refer back to the question. When was the worst moment? It was less than two months ago – depending on when this is read – when I was standing on a roof after getting my ball off the roof. I felt like a child and I just couldn’t jump back down it was so high up… BUT the most consistent nervous moment has been when I have had to talk about my feelings.

They say guys don’t talk about their feelings, and for some reason I guess that’s true but in my experience I prefer not to talk about feelings or difficult conversations that involve explaining how I behave. I like to be the only one that understands me and also be selfish, and pick and choose who gets let in. So, when I have been faced with “Let’s talk” or the phone call starting with the awkward “Hello”

“Yo, you alright”

“Yeah I’m fine thanks, what did you want to say”…

I cave in. Nervous laughter takes over and it’s just a blind stumble in the dark to find the words I’m looking for. It usually looks like this:

“Err…yeah…umm…you know what it is yeah…It’s just like…ahh *Nervous laughter* Uhhh…why is this hard though…*Dog throwing up sounds* you know what listen… it’s not even important like that, let’s just leave it actually…*Nervous cackle*

I’m sure a lot of guys can relate to that and some girls too. Now is that justified, probably not, I should be able to divulge how I am feeling, but in life people go through trauma and as a human, trauma changes you and shifts how you think. I’ve adapted to just shut up shop when it comes to talking about things that concern me and for many different reasons that only I know.

What I will say however, is that I know this type of nervousness, is stupid. It really is appalling to me, that I still haven’t been able to wriggle out of the hole I find myself in when I have to be honest in that department, but it is reliable.

That is the hardest thing in itself, to get over it but it’s all about progress, and that’s what we should all work towards. Progress, practice and faith brings results and that’s we can all overcome nervousness. Test yourself.

The next time you feel the Blastoise hydro-pump of nervousness punch you in the back, don’t tighten up, be easy and be true to yourself, tell yourself that being nervous isn’t the answer and work through it.

Stay locked, stay sharp, God is Love, Kwesi D

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